Mummy

Mummy, you've left us a month ago today. I feel like there is a part of me missing. I don't think this feeling will ever go away.



 I wish there was something that would let me replay and store every moment I had with you in crystal clear detail. Mostly, I wish there was something that would let Dillon keep you in his memory forever. He sometimes asks about you..and when I say that you are now in Heaven, he says 'come, lets go see Gandma'. Maybe for him it is easier to 'talk' to you - you always did say that little children spend time working in God's garden. Tell him not to hurt the plants Mum - not like he does in his mummy's garden, lol.

 Mum, I have so many thoughts about you. Random thoughts about things I loved about you - like your lovely hands. Soft,yet slightly rough on some of your fingertips, always warm and so healing. I remember the lovely rubs you gave us when we were sick - they always made me feel so much better. Actually, just you being near always made me feel better - no matter how old I got.

 I remember you pushing me all round town in a pram - I could walk then but I guess it was easier for you to not have a tired, cranky kid and to get your chores done quicker. I loved it!  Even though you were always so busy, you still made time for weekly trips to the library where you would help me to select new Topsy and Tim tales to keep me busy.

 I remember you picking me up from school when I was little and giving me my favourite snack - butter bread and tea. You would cut the bread into fingers so I could dip it more easily.

 You were so amazing in the kitchen, mum. Why didn't I ask you for more recipes. You made so many delicious things that I could never think of all of them when I had a chance but now I wonder - how did you make your mint chutney and nut pickle? how did you make that manja milk? Did you really just cook your green beans using only chilli powder? (I don't trust my sisters on that one). You always wanted to make me something when I visited - soji, vermicelli, soji milk - why didn't I have the patience to stand there with you and learn?..

 Mum, there would never have been enough time with you. You were amazing. When I was little, I thought you were the strongest person around - my mum was superwoman! Someone you used to look after, once wrote a letter about how wonderful you were. They used the words 'Angel in disguise'. That stuck with me because it was so true. On the last day of your prayer, when the wind chimes were clanging I remember thinking that Heaven must be celebrating your arrival - the return of their angel.

 You were so many things, mum -loving and caring and wise and self-sacrificing. I should have known that there would have to be a trade-off for time with someone so special - I now know what that price is..it's learning to live with the loss of you, it's learning to live with this hole, forever in my heart.